To My Younger Self Pt 1

**This is gonna be a 2 part series where I write letter to myself at different ages in my life.**

Age 9 (2005)

Dear K,

It's me or well I guess I could say you in the future but to eliminate confusing i'll just say I. As of writing this I am 23. I live in Gammy and Papa's house. I'll explain that a few years from now. I am writing this to give you some advice as I know things you don't. Ok let get into this. 

1. Give Gammy hugs as often as possible and tell her you love her often. She is human and one day will be gone and I promise you will wish you had done it more. 

2. Get in the habit of brushing your teeth.

3. Tell Monkey you love him daily. He will need it one day. 

4. Breathe. I know it's scary and everything but it's not as bad as people are making it out to be.

5. Dad is not a monster. He loves you. No don't roll your eyes, he does. I promise.

6. Next year, your life is gonna change forever. Muck is going to die. It will destroy you for a few years and you will get horrifically depressed for years. Just breathe. It's going to be very hard but baby girl you got this. You will be in and out of therapy for the rest of your life due to the depression and other stuff that happens to you. You will start cutting yourself. Don't let mom find out. She will only make you feel way worse. You got this. 

Age 11 (2007)

Dear K, 

You are now 11 years old. Which means you are now in the middle of one of 3 darkest times of your life that you have gone through by age 23. It sucks doesn't it? Feeling like everything is wrong and yet not being able to pin point exactly what is wrong. Welcome to the world of depression and anxiety sweetheart. It's a roller coaster from hell. I know you wish it would all just go away but one day you will look at all the damage and fire and just literal hell you have gone through and realize just how strong you are. You will stop seeing the darkness inside you as a hell and more like a piece of you. You will only hate it on really bad days which don't happen often. You will learn to love it because it's your life and honestly you don't remember what it's like to not have that darkness. I know it's hard right now but I promise it gets more manageable. You will meet amazing people as you get older and realize you're not alone and certain people love you. Just take one day at a time. There are gonna be days you don't have energy to do anything. Get up and brush your teeth. Go brush your hair. Breathe. Your mind is fighting a battle. It's normal to not have energy. Find something you love doing and do it. Cry. then cry some more. I know it hurts like hell baby but you can do it. 

Age 14 (2010)

Dear K,

You are now 14. This is gonna be a big year in your life. A lot happens this year. Your depression is getting more manageable and you now have a boyfriend. He will come and stay a week with you in July. Yes he gets bus and rides all the way from Mississippi and comes to your house for a week. It's gonna hurt when he has to go home. You will lose your virginity the night before he goes home. It will stress you out because he doesn't have condoms. I'll save you a lot of worrying by saying you do not get pregnant. You're fine. Later you will meet a guy on Facebook named Sam. He is a football player and to your little outcast self that is gonna be amazing. The fact that the star football player talks to you will make you happy. But some fucked up shit happens. In Oct you will finally go to his house and hang out with him. He wants to have sex but doesn't have condoms. Since the whole situation with your boyfriend freaked you out, you'll say no. He will slowly convince you to do more and more. He will slowly ease into having sex with you. You are going to tell him no and he isn't going to listen to you. You will just quit saying it after a few minutes. You will just go limp until it's over. You both will pretend it never happened. But it did. You were raped at age 14. Dont lie to yourself. It was rape, it did happen and it wasnt your fault. After you leave that day, dont speak to him again. Block him K. You will want to go back to him. If you do that he will use your for sex. It will feel like he loves you while you ahve sex but he doesn't. He never has and he never wi;ll. I know you're lonely since your boyfriend lives so far away but sweetie it isn't worth it. You would have some funny memories and nice memories but it doesnt outweigh the memory of that night in Oct. You now have PTSD. You wont have any symptoms for a few years since you lie to yourself and dont deal with it. It's a long journey from here. It's gonna hurt like hell. Just breathe. This year is also the year you will met your best friend. His name is John. He isnt catfishing you. He is just a shy cutie. He hates taking picture of himself and posting them on facebook. He will become your superhero and save you and be your shoulder to cry on when your brain goes stupid. He really likes you K. Hold on to him. 

To My High School Best Friend

Dear Spazy,

Hi it’s me. We haven’t spoke in a while. We haven't really spoke since August of 2014… god I can't believe it’s been almost almost 5 years.We talked once since then and in our normal fashion we were fighting. Also has gone on in my life since we last actually talked. The last time we talked I was dating your cousin. He and I broke up in June of 2017. I am now with Johnny. You remember Johnny right? The guy I was friends with that went to prison. Yea I finally admitted I liked him as more than a friend. We have been together since July 22, 2017. When me and you talked and got in the fight, I was in a really bad head space. My depression was kicking me ass a lot. I got REALLY bad again. So i’m sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being such a bitch when we were fighting. I'm sorry for making you feel not enough when we dated all those years ago. I was young and stupid. I didn’t think how it all made you feel. I hope you know I really did care about you. A lot.

I think back on our relationship and friendship a lot. I miss us talking, I have two new friends. Well 1 ½ really. I don't talk to one of them a lot since we stopped working together at the dog boarding facility I work at. Her name is Sammi. She’s pretty cool. She kinda reminds me of you at times. Maybe that's why I like her so much. My other friend is also Johnny’s friend. His name is Wayne. I really think you’d like Wayne. He is a lot like me. I’d love to see you hang out with all of us one day and see how much you could corrupt him. You were always really good at making people come out of their shells. We hang out every weekend. Me and him stay up all night listening to music and laughing and just talking. We talk about deep stuff a lot. Kinda like me and you used to back in 9th grade when we’d lay in my bed in the dark and just talk. It’s nice. We have gotten to know a lot about each other that way, I've told him about you a few times. Nothing bad. Just little stuff.

I miss talking to you. I miss us hanging out. I just miss you. I went in Books-A-Million today and started thinking about you and how much you loved books. I wonder if you still read a lot. I go to your facebook every now and then just to see what you’ve been up to. I wonder if you ever do that with me. I wonder sometimes if you ever wonder how me and Monk are and what were up to. I may be getting put on meds soon for all my mental shit. Monk is on meds now too. He wants to be a rapper one day. He graduated high school in Jan. Dad is same old dad. He changed a lot after Gammy died. Papa is gone now too. He died in 2015. Mama is very bipolar now. Like worse than you.

I wonder sometimes where we’d be if I had never introduced you to the guy you’re with. Some days I honestly regret it. Everything changed so much once he came into the picture. We stopped hanging out. If he had his way he probably would have even let you talk to me. I still don't like him. He’s sketchy Spaz. I never told you this but let's be honest you are never gonna see this. I'm just writing this into the void in a hope of making myself feel better. Anyway, he touched me quite a lot the few times i spent the night with y’all. Like he would come in there with me and start feeling up on me. I always told him to quit. He didn't care. No before you ask he didn't ever rape me. He would just kiss my neck and finger me. I hated it and it's the main reason i stopped coming over. I was already fucked mentally i couldn't handle that too. I wonder sometimes if he has ever done hurt you like that. You were never a very sexual person. I remember when we did talk you two were having sex every night. Which is so unlike you. I mean there are times you hate being touched at all. I don't know why but i don't see him handling that well. I hope he hasn't done the things he always worried I would. I really just wanna delete this whole thing. I don't know why i'm even wasting my time typing this out. You’re never gonna see it. What's even the point? To make myself feel better? I feel worse now than I did when I started this letter. My brain has been a server ass recently and I have no clue why. Well I guess since i'm crashing more mentally, i'll just stop now. I love you you little spazy bipolar chick. I hope you know that.

-K

To My Ex...

Dear EX,

It’s me. Today is December 19th, 2018. We have been over for around a year and six months.
And i recently went through therapy and we were talking about how it can help
to write letters to people so here is your letter of things i wish i could say to you.

** Warning: this is gonna be very mean and have lots of cussing**

You are an asshole. You are a piece of shit human.
Not only did you treat me like shit and make me think i was worthless;
i trusted you to take care of Kovu, our four legged son, when i got really bad off mentally at
the start of the year and you starved him. He was fucking skin and goddamn bones when
he came back to me. I know you fucking hate me but really. Kovu never did a fucking
thing to you. You’re a piece of shit. What type of person starves a fucking dog?
You and your joke of a wife fucking promised me you would take care if him.
I don't give a fuck if yall hate me. The hate between us doesn't have jack fucking shit to do
with Kovu. And then your wife is gonna have the nerve to say i don't care
about you or Kovu. i don't give a fuck about you because you're an asshole who
manipulated me and treated me like scum for 4 years to the point i contemplated suicide.
But i do love Kovu. There is a reason i call him my son. He has gotten me
through tons of shit and took care of me mentally when you failed. So don't you dare fucking
say i don't love him. You know how much i love him. Just because i got so bad off mentally i could
barely function, doesn't mean i don't love him. Even at my worst i still loved him and treated him
better than you did. Even on days i couldn't get out of bed, i still took better care if him than you
and your whole family. At least i fucking loved him.

You have spread so many lies about me that i don't know how you have friends anymore.
But jokes on you i always hated all your friends so the people you turned against me don't
matter to me and never did. All the people you have lied to saying i'm a bitch and i never
loved you. I dated you for 4 years. I did love you. I went to bat for you thousands of time.
I defended you to people till i was fucking blue in the face. I tried to help you learn to read.
I held you when your depression kicked in, even if mine was being an ass too. I had your
back even when you started shit with my brother, who is my life. When everyone i know
was telling me to turn and run and never look back, i had your back. I put you before everyone
and everything, even myself. I put up with you talking shit about everything i cared about.
I stayed by your side, even when you would make me feel like shit. I loved you on your good
and bad days. I stayed even when you would drink around me even after i said it makes me
uncomfortable. I took care of you when your PTSD would trigger. Not once did i belittle you
for you. Because i'm not a heartless bitch. I loved you. That's what people do that love someone.
They take care of them on all days, good or bad.

Now lets go over the things about our relationship i have issues with now that i am out of that
toxic ass situations:

• You wouldn't listen to me about anything. Id try to tell you something and you would ignore me or say i was lying. 
• You acted like you didn't know how to deal with my PTSD even when i told you how to help me when i got triggered. 
• You would literally trigger me for the hell of it because it was fun to you. You did this so many times, i didn't ever wanna have sex anymore and would have panic attacks at the sound of a condom wrapper opening. Something that still happens to this day, a year and a half out of our relationship. Yet when i would slightly do something that made you uncomfortable, not even trigger you, to prove a point you’d get upset and act like i'd done something awful. Unless it was on your terms and then you’d make me literally trigger you even when i fought you and told you id didn't want to. 
• You would get mad when i was having flashbacks because i would shove you off me and try to get away from you. As someone who says he also has PTSD, you sure don't act like it. Flashbacks are not fun. They are not something you wanna experience. They are scary. I have PTSD from being raped. Of course i'm gonna try to get you off me. Yes 10% of my brain realizes it is you, and that i'm not i'm that house again but the other 90% of my brain doesn't. When you see, hear, smell, and feel everything again it’s hard to realize you're safe.
• Due to 3 and 4 you fucking cheated on me. Because i couldn't have sex because you had triggered me over and over just for the hell of it to the point that i couldn't even hear a foil wrapper open without having a panic attack, you cheated on me. And then denied it even though i had fucking proof from the other girl. As if i didn't feel shitty enough about not wanting to have sex with you, you had to go cheat on me and make it 10 times worse.
• You were severely controlling and played it off like you cared about me. It took 6 months for me not to tell my current boyfriend everything i did. When i left for work, when i got to work, when i left work, when i got home, when i was on my way, when i got there, if i stopped at a gas station on my way because that's gonna mean i don't get there at the same time as usual. Every little thing, i had to tell you or you’d get mad. Because you would “worry”. If i'm 5 minutes late texting you,  it shouldn't be cause of worry. Maybe traffic was bad, maybe i stopped to get a drink, maybe i got home and mom or dad talked to me or i had to walk Kovu. It doesn't mean i'm dead on the side of the road. 
• You were constantly talking shit to and about my brother. Yet if i said one bad thing about yours you’d blow up. My little brother has bad enough mental health he doesn't need you putting him down. I will kill anyone who hurts my brother. I have been his sister, best friend, mom, caregiver, and shoulder to cry on all his life. So just because he isn't special needs like yours doesn't mean you can talk shit about him. 
• You would drink around me even when i told you multiple times, it makes me comfortable. You didn't care and would do it anyway. Yet if i did the same to you with something that made you uncomfortable, you’d blow up. Even when i was doing it to prove a point. 

I lied to my best friend and said you treated me good. The same best friend that is now
my boyfriend because he made me realize it was a lie. The man who you have talked so much shit
about because of his past. No one brings up yours. No one talks about your past. No one talks
about the fact that your future kids are going to have a child molester as a grandpa. No one talks about
how you went to to jail once. So why the fuck are you talking shit about his. His past is exactly that the
past, just like yours is. The past doesn't matter. What matter is the kind of person you are after it.
My boyfriend is an amazing man. He is there for me all the time. He hold me and when i get
triggered. He doesn't trigger me and avoids it if at all possible. He is always checking on me during
sex to make sure i'm still okay. Something you never did. I could go limp with you and quit
making any noise or talking and you’d keep going.The moment i get quiet, He stops and makes
sure i'm ok. He listened when i told him what triggers me and how i needed him to
take care of me when it happens. The first time me and him had sex, i cried.
Because holy god he was sweet. He talked me through every movement, every step,
everything he was about to do. He made sure i was ok. If i get triggered,
he is fine if we have to stop having sex because he knows there are other ways to have fun. He
is everything you never were. He is more of a man than you’ll ever be and he has had a rough past.
He made me feel like a person more than just a warm body to fuck and belittle.

So Ex. i hope you enjoy your life. Because i sure as hell am. I do not miss you. I am utterly happy. I couldn't ask for a better man to have replaced you. I wish you and your joke of a wife the best in the marriage. You two are just perfect for each other. 

- K

To The Girl Dating My Ex

Dear (Insert name here),

Hi, I'm Josh's most recent ex. I'm sure you have heard about me. I'm sure your probably hate me and think I'm the lowest form of scum based off what he has told you about me. But im gonna be honest. I'm not the things he makes me out to be. I'm not a heartless bitch who just loved hurting him. I'm not a bitch who used him and then threw him away like trash. I loved him. I hated hurting him like I did but I wasn't happy anymore. He just wasn't the one for me anymore. See I have had depression since I was 10 and it's not as sever as it once was but I hate being unhappy because of that l. I have spent far too many days laying in bed feeling like I was a doormat for people to walk all over . I have spent far too many nights crying myself to sleep because no one gave a damn about me or how I feel. I've also been used by people I was dating. I've had my heart broken many time. It wasn't fair to Josh that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I loved him. He seemed like a really sweet guy and I cared deeply for him but no matter how much I didn't wanna see him hurt I wasn't gonna lie to him. I wasn't gonna make myself be miserable just to keep him happy. He deserved to be happy but so did I. I didn't wanna hurt him but there is no good or easy way to leave someone you have been with for 4 years.

 Now let's move on from that. Josh is a complicated person. He can't read good nor can he spell. I offered to help him but he has given up on ever being able to do it. There are some things you should know/ that I want to ask of you. 1.He has a rough past. His dad left when he was 4. Don't ask him about his dad. He will probably say he doesn't wanna talk about it. It's a very touchy thing for him. He will tell you about him when he is ready. There is a lot of stuff in his past he will tell you when he trusts you enough. I know all of it but it's not my place to tell you. 2. Josh has a serious temper. I pray you aren't ever on the receiving end of one of his yelling fits. I knew him for 4 years and it was still scary. 3.  Be nice to his mama. Evelyn is the sweetest lady you will ever meet. I still adore that woman. I miss her a lot. I know I hurt her when I left so what I am about to say may seem stupid or hypocritical but don't hurt her. You have never felt heartbreak until you see her cry because of you. I would know. 3. I haven't spoken or seen Josh in like 4 months so idk what dogs are there now but Im assuming there is: Lady, Shadow, Daphne, Sophie, Rocky, Anna, Benjamin, Gizmo(if he hasn't passed away) and probably some others. Be nice to them. Those dogs will love you. Me and Josh rescued Anna. Gizmo is old as hell. Do not try to pick him up he will bite you. Lady and Anna will wanna sleep in the bed with you. Especially Lady. She will let you get comfortable and then lay against your legs. Love her. Lay Lay as we always called her is a sweetheart. Anna is too. They all love attention. Shadow can be a dick. He also really loved attention and sitting in your lap. It will get annoying. Sophie is a sweetheart. I always called her Snagle tooth cuz of how her jaw is. Those dogs were my world for 4 years. I love and adore those dogs. I miss them and Josh's mom the most. 5. You will have to do every application for a job for him and his brother. The big words confuse him. 6. Chris isn't all there mentally. He is forever 7 years old mentally. Try to remember that if he ever starts to bug you. I hope you get along with Daniel better than I did.

Lets be serious here. I don't hate you. I'm not jealous of you. I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me amazing and I am very happy. I don't want Josh back. However I still do care about him. I'm not in love with him. But I do love him as a friend. I can't just cut that off. He was in my life for 4 years. I know y'all are engaged now. Him and I were once engaged. I hope it works out for y'all. I hope for your sake Josh learned and grew up a bit after I left. Honestly, if he is the same as when I was with him, he isn't going anywhere in life. He is a 28 year old child. He is never gonna drive. He will never get his permit. He will never have a good paying job. He is gonna fail. He has no drive to do anything. He is all his mom had so he isn't ever gonna leave her. He will never be able to save up money cuz everyone needs money all the time. I hope he has changed but he probably hasn't.


Take care of him and don't break his heart. He can't take another person leaving him. You're stuck with him. For the rest of your life now. I hope you're ok with that. Oh one more thing and this is gonna get personal but it needs to be said. Have sex with him regularly. If he goes too long without getting laid he will cheat on you through messages on Facebook to people. He did it to me twice. So I hope you can have sex regularly and don't get cheated on. I have PTSD so I couldn't. I also hope you don't have anything mentally wrong like depression or ptsd cuz he hates that because he doesn't understand it. Good luck explaining it to him. I tried for 4 years and never got anywhere.


Sincerely,

K.

My Life Dating a Felon

Hey guys what is up,

This post is gonna be about how my life has changed and stuff since I started dating a convicted felon. Yes, you read that right, I am dating a felon. The man I am dating has done 4 years in prison for aggravated assault and possession. When he was about 16ish, he stabbed a guy in self defense but he lives in Georgia. And in the good ole state of Georgia, they don't always go by evidence they just decide how they want to be guilty and not. So even though it was self defense, he did 4 years. I knew Johnny, my boyfriend, for a few years before he went to prison. We were best friends. He is one of the sweetest and most loving people I have ever met in my life. I have told him multiple times both before and after he went to prison that I just can't picture him doing what he did. He is just such a big sweetheart. Johnny and I stayed in contact the whole 4 years he was in prison. We would write letters back and forth. We both even still have the letters. I had always had a major crush on him plus he was my best friend so even prison didn't keep us from talking as much as possible. I tell people now that I have always loved Johnny. Since the first time I met him in person (we met through an online site for friends) I have loved him. But I always had a boyfriend and I always thought my feeling for him were just a crush. Where you find them attractive but the feelings are t string enough for a relationship. Dating him did cross my mind a few times but he was about to go to prison/ was in prison and I didn't know if our relationship would survive that.

Then on June 12th, he was released. I was one of the first people who knew he was out. He texted me 2 hours after being released. A couple weeks later I got to see him again for the first time in 4.5 years. I would be lying if I said I had ever been more excited in my life. I couldn't stop smiling the whole time. Then he had some issues with the person he was living with so he moved in with his dad. Him and his dad didn't have the best relationship before he went to prison. They fought a lot so we both were kinda worried about him moving over there. But so far everything has been fine. They have gotten in a few arguments but I was there so I calmed Johnny down so he wouldn't get kicked out. If he ends up with no place to go, he goes back to prison. Life is more complicated now. Since he has a felony charge now, he can't just go anywhere and get a job. Some places won't hire felons. Currently he works at Subway being the sexiest sandwich maker ever lol. When he was going through his whole housing issue, I was gonna let him move in with me. But I live in South Carolina and his PO said unless it was family he couldn't move outta state so now we are kinda hoping maybe they will be more lieanient once he is just on probation. If not then, I am moving to GA to live with him. Another thing some people never think about is apartments. Some places won't allow you to live there if you are a felon. Johnny has been out for a little over 5 months now. I couldn't be more proud of him. In those 5 months he has busted his ass to find a job, is trying to find a way to get him a car, he is figuring it all out. I am so proud of him. Yes, being in a relationship with someone who was once in prison has it downfalls but I knew that when we got together. I didn't think it would be a cake walk. I knew he was gonna have issues finding a good job. But he is well worth it to me. I have never been more happy in my life. I know that some people may look at me like a fool for dating someone who has done time for  a violent crime. I know that some of my family may look at him badly but they dont know him. People who find out he did time and then just based on that think he is a bad person are just too judgemental. I have known him for 7 years. He is literally the biggest sweetheart I have ever met. And I'm not just saying that because he is my boyfriend. I couldnt ask for a better man.

Well thats it. I could ramble on about my Batman for hours but ill just leave it here.

Mental Health Update June 2017 & 9-29-17

Hey guys, what is up.

This is gonna be a personal update. These past few months, since I made this blog, my mental health has been shit. I don’t really know why. Like it has just kinda tanked. I think it’s the house I live in. See we moved here in December and it has been hell ever since. *

Hey guys what is up,

So the first part of this was from the beginning of  June. My mental health was absolute shit then. I was constantly depressed and most days didn't even wanna get out of bed. I never wanted to leave the house to go do anything. Now I have had depression since I was 10 years old (I'm now 21) but when i was about 15ish it wasn't as sever as it was.  Then in Aug of 2014 my grandmother, who i loved dearly and who made me the person i am now, passed away. Obviously this took a toll on me. I was more depressed than i had been in years. But then after about 3 years since he had passed i had kinda gotten better again. Then we moved into her house as our new home. And it tanked again. I personally kinda think it was all just too much for a while. Now from June of 2013 - June of 2017 I was dating someone. He was there through it all, my grandmother dying, my finally dealing with being raped after repressing it for 2 years, etc. I would be lying if i said i didn't love that man. He was my rock through some of the hardest years of my life.

However, I had always kinda been in love with someone else. The other guy was someone i had met back in 2010 and we have been best friends ever since. He struggles with depression, anxiety and self harm like i did back then. He got me. He understood me. Talking to him about how I was truly feeling was always so easy to do because i knew he had been there. Then in 2013 he went to prison. He had stabbed someone in self defense and the cops couldn't prove it was self defense so they sent him to prison. On June 12th of this year he was released from prison. And we started talking again. And i was happier than i had been in months. I felt like my old self again. Until i went to see the guy i was dating and then i was depressed again. So i decided to take a leap of faith. I dumped the guy i had been dating for the past 4 years so i could date the guy who had got out of prison. Now here it is in almost Oct 2017 and i can honestly say I am happy. I have smiled and laughed more in these past few months than i have in a while. I am so in love with this man. I have loved him for 7 years now and time has only strengthened it. Sure dating someone who is on parole and who lives a state away and isn't allowed to leave the state sucks. It really sucks. But I still have the man who makes me happy. I knew dating him wasn't gonna be easy. Nothing in my life that i love ever is but he is so worth it.

Well there you go my mental health update. I may try to do these once a month or once ever two months. I don't know for sure yet.

Poem I Wrote *TW:Rape*

"Poor Sweet Girl/There Is A House"

 

There is a house in a small little town. It's just an ordinary house to most people. A house where a family lived. A house where people grew up. But to me it's different.

To me it's a house of horrors. A house that contains a nightmare that I can never wake up from. A house who's road name is the same name as the man who destroyed me inside it. A house that's good memories are oven taken by the bad. I loved that house just like I once loved the man who was in it. There were plenty of laughs had in that house. But no matter how much I try I can't forget the bad memory that is also there.

I can't forget the weight of him. The feeling of his cum hitting the inside of my thighs. The sound of his breathing beside my ear. The words he said. "I won't put it in" "Just for a minute baby" it's like a never ending movie that is stuck on repeat. Every time I look at that house, that window on the end of the house, all I think is: that poor sweet girl.

That poor girl who just wanted someone to love her. That poor girl who just wanted to say she was dating the star football player. That poor sweet girl. That poor girl will never walk out that door. That poor girl is still on that bed. That poor girl is forever stuck just inside that window. That poor girl who if you listen close enough you can still hear begging for it to end. That poor girl who told herself over and over that it was ok. It was her fault. Her pants were too tight. She should have just said no the moment things started. She should have tried harder to get him off of her. She should have said no I'm uncomfortable with this when he said " I won't put it in." She should have pushed him off when he said "Just for a minute baby." She should have screamed. She should have fought harder. She shouldn't have given in to it and just accepted it. She should have kicked, clawed, bit when he ignored her saying no. Maybe if she did nothing would have changed. Maybe it would have. She shouldn't have felt bad when he cried when she called him a rapist. But that poor sweet girl had such a big heart. She loved him and it hurt to know she made him cry. If only that poor sweet girl had known what would happen when she went over there that October afternoon.

Part of her hates him for what he did. Part of her still thinks he was sorry. That poor sweet innocent girl wonders if what he did haunts him. If he really was sorry. If she is the only one. That poor sweet girl just wants to forget. That girl is so tired of being scared all the time. Is tired of living in an endless loop of pain and fear. Is tired of feeling him, hearing him, smelling him. She wishes she could erase what he did to her. She wishes he understood how much damage he did. That hormones don't just take over. That no means fucking no. That stop means stop. That she never asked for this. That she just wanted to feel loved. She didn't wanna feel like she is damaged. She didn't wanna live her life scared of the dark. That she just wanted to be his. That poor sweet girl. That poor 14 year old girl. That girl will never grow up. That girl will forever be 14. That girl just wants to be okay again.

I just wanna be okay. I don't wanna have my skin crawl every time something touches the inside of my legs. I don't wanna have to be scared if my boyfriend is gonna listen when I say no. I don't wanna have to be scared to say no. I shouldn't have to live like this. Why couldn't he just listen? Why did he have to do this to me? Why doesn't he fucking care how fucked up I am now because of him? Why has he never said he was sorry for what he did? If only he could live a day in my shoes. The shoes I didn't wanna have to wear. If only he could feel the fear, see what I see. The shoes that someone may make his daughter wear one day. If she is forced to wear those shoes will he see how bad it is? Will he feel horrible about what he did because now he sees the effects of it.

I keep telling myself he is sorry. That he didn't mean it. That he loved me. That I am not worthless. But he isn't sorry and most days, I don't feel worth anything. I am damaged and cracked and the pieces just don't fix together anymore. They will never fit again. There will always be a hole missing from my soul because that piece is that poor sweet girl.

There is a house in a small little town. A house who's road name is the same name as the man who destroyed me inside it. Inside that house is a piece of myself that I will never get back.