Dear Spazy,
Hi it’s me. We haven’t spoke in a while. We haven't really spoke since August of 2014… god I can't believe it’s been almost almost 5 years.We talked once since then and in our normal fashion we were fighting. Also has gone on in my life since we last actually talked. The last time we talked I was dating your cousin. He and I broke up in June of 2017. I am now with Johnny. You remember Johnny right? The guy I was friends with that went to prison. Yea I finally admitted I liked him as more than a friend. We have been together since July 22, 2017. When me and you talked and got in the fight, I was in a really bad head space. My depression was kicking me ass a lot. I got REALLY bad again. So i’m sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being such a bitch when we were fighting. I'm sorry for making you feel not enough when we dated all those years ago. I was young and stupid. I didn’t think how it all made you feel. I hope you know I really did care about you. A lot.
I think back on our relationship and friendship a lot. I miss us talking, I have two new friends. Well 1 ½ really. I don't talk to one of them a lot since we stopped working together at the dog boarding facility I work at. Her name is Sammi. She’s pretty cool. She kinda reminds me of you at times. Maybe that's why I like her so much. My other friend is also Johnny’s friend. His name is Wayne. I really think you’d like Wayne. He is a lot like me. I’d love to see you hang out with all of us one day and see how much you could corrupt him. You were always really good at making people come out of their shells. We hang out every weekend. Me and him stay up all night listening to music and laughing and just talking. We talk about deep stuff a lot. Kinda like me and you used to back in 9th grade when we’d lay in my bed in the dark and just talk. It’s nice. We have gotten to know a lot about each other that way, I've told him about you a few times. Nothing bad. Just little stuff.
I miss talking to you. I miss us hanging out. I just miss you. I went in Books-A-Million today and started thinking about you and how much you loved books. I wonder if you still read a lot. I go to your facebook every now and then just to see what you’ve been up to. I wonder if you ever do that with me. I wonder sometimes if you ever wonder how me and Monk are and what were up to. I may be getting put on meds soon for all my mental shit. Monk is on meds now too. He wants to be a rapper one day. He graduated high school in Jan. Dad is same old dad. He changed a lot after Gammy died. Papa is gone now too. He died in 2015. Mama is very bipolar now. Like worse than you.
I wonder sometimes where we’d be if I had never introduced you to the guy you’re with. Some days I honestly regret it. Everything changed so much once he came into the picture. We stopped hanging out. If he had his way he probably would have even let you talk to me. I still don't like him. He’s sketchy Spaz. I never told you this but let's be honest you are never gonna see this. I'm just writing this into the void in a hope of making myself feel better. Anyway, he touched me quite a lot the few times i spent the night with y’all. Like he would come in there with me and start feeling up on me. I always told him to quit. He didn't care. No before you ask he didn't ever rape me. He would just kiss my neck and finger me. I hated it and it's the main reason i stopped coming over. I was already fucked mentally i couldn't handle that too. I wonder sometimes if he has ever done hurt you like that. You were never a very sexual person. I remember when we did talk you two were having sex every night. Which is so unlike you. I mean there are times you hate being touched at all. I don't know why but i don't see him handling that well. I hope he hasn't done the things he always worried I would. I really just wanna delete this whole thing. I don't know why i'm even wasting my time typing this out. You’re never gonna see it. What's even the point? To make myself feel better? I feel worse now than I did when I started this letter. My brain has been a server ass recently and I have no clue why. Well I guess since i'm crashing more mentally, i'll just stop now. I love you you little spazy bipolar chick. I hope you know that.
-K
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