Age 9 (2005)
Dear K,
It's me or well I guess I could say you in the future but to eliminate confusing i'll just say I. As of writing this I am 23. I live in Gammy and Papa's house. I'll explain that a few years from now. I am writing this to give you some advice as I know things you don't. Ok let get into this.
1. Give Gammy hugs as often as possible and tell her you love her often. She is human and one day will be gone and I promise you will wish you had done it more.
2. Get in the habit of brushing your teeth.
3. Tell Monkey you love him daily. He will need it one day.
4. Breathe. I know it's scary and everything but it's not as bad as people are making it out to be.
5. Dad is not a monster. He loves you. No don't roll your eyes, he does. I promise.
6. Next year, your life is gonna change forever. Muck is going to die. It will destroy you for a few years and you will get horrifically depressed for years. Just breathe. It's going to be very hard but baby girl you got this. You will be in and out of therapy for the rest of your life due to the depression and other stuff that happens to you. You will start cutting yourself. Don't let mom find out. She will only make you feel way worse. You got this.
Age 11 (2007)
Dear K,
You are now 11 years old. Which means you are now in the middle of one of 3 darkest times of your life that you have gone through by age 23. It sucks doesn't it? Feeling like everything is wrong and yet not being able to pin point exactly what is wrong. Welcome to the world of depression and anxiety sweetheart. It's a roller coaster from hell. I know you wish it would all just go away but one day you will look at all the damage and fire and just literal hell you have gone through and realize just how strong you are. You will stop seeing the darkness inside you as a hell and more like a piece of you. You will only hate it on really bad days which don't happen often. You will learn to love it because it's your life and honestly you don't remember what it's like to not have that darkness. I know it's hard right now but I promise it gets more manageable. You will meet amazing people as you get older and realize you're not alone and certain people love you. Just take one day at a time. There are gonna be days you don't have energy to do anything. Get up and brush your teeth. Go brush your hair. Breathe. Your mind is fighting a battle. It's normal to not have energy. Find something you love doing and do it. Cry. then cry some more. I know it hurts like hell baby but you can do it.
Age 14 (2010)
Dear K,
You are now 14. This is gonna be a big year in your life. A lot happens this year. Your depression is getting more manageable and you now have a boyfriend. He will come and stay a week with you in July. Yes he gets bus and rides all the way from Mississippi and comes to your house for a week. It's gonna hurt when he has to go home. You will lose your virginity the night before he goes home. It will stress you out because he doesn't have condoms. I'll save you a lot of worrying by saying you do not get pregnant. You're fine. Later you will meet a guy on Facebook named Sam. He is a football player and to your little outcast self that is gonna be amazing. The fact that the star football player talks to you will make you happy. But some fucked up shit happens. In Oct you will finally go to his house and hang out with him. He wants to have sex but doesn't have condoms. Since the whole situation with your boyfriend freaked you out, you'll say no. He will slowly convince you to do more and more. He will slowly ease into having sex with you. You are going to tell him no and he isn't going to listen to you. You will just quit saying it after a few minutes. You will just go limp until it's over. You both will pretend it never happened. But it did. You were raped at age 14. Dont lie to yourself. It was rape, it did happen and it wasnt your fault. After you leave that day, dont speak to him again. Block him K. You will want to go back to him. If you do that he will use your for sex. It will feel like he loves you while you ahve sex but he doesn't. He never has and he never wi;ll. I know you're lonely since your boyfriend lives so far away but sweetie it isn't worth it. You would have some funny memories and nice memories but it doesnt outweigh the memory of that night in Oct. You now have PTSD. You wont have any symptoms for a few years since you lie to yourself and dont deal with it. It's a long journey from here. It's gonna hurt like hell. Just breathe. This year is also the year you will met your best friend. His name is John. He isnt catfishing you. He is just a shy cutie. He hates taking picture of himself and posting them on facebook. He will become your superhero and save you and be your shoulder to cry on when your brain goes stupid. He really likes you K. Hold on to him.
No comments:
Post a Comment