To My Younger Self Pt 1

**This is gonna be a 2 part series where I write letter to myself at different ages in my life.**

Age 9 (2005)

Dear K,

It's me or well I guess I could say you in the future but to eliminate confusing i'll just say I. As of writing this I am 23. I live in Gammy and Papa's house. I'll explain that a few years from now. I am writing this to give you some advice as I know things you don't. Ok let get into this. 

1. Give Gammy hugs as often as possible and tell her you love her often. She is human and one day will be gone and I promise you will wish you had done it more. 

2. Get in the habit of brushing your teeth.

3. Tell Monkey you love him daily. He will need it one day. 

4. Breathe. I know it's scary and everything but it's not as bad as people are making it out to be.

5. Dad is not a monster. He loves you. No don't roll your eyes, he does. I promise.

6. Next year, your life is gonna change forever. Muck is going to die. It will destroy you for a few years and you will get horrifically depressed for years. Just breathe. It's going to be very hard but baby girl you got this. You will be in and out of therapy for the rest of your life due to the depression and other stuff that happens to you. You will start cutting yourself. Don't let mom find out. She will only make you feel way worse. You got this. 

Age 11 (2007)

Dear K, 

You are now 11 years old. Which means you are now in the middle of one of 3 darkest times of your life that you have gone through by age 23. It sucks doesn't it? Feeling like everything is wrong and yet not being able to pin point exactly what is wrong. Welcome to the world of depression and anxiety sweetheart. It's a roller coaster from hell. I know you wish it would all just go away but one day you will look at all the damage and fire and just literal hell you have gone through and realize just how strong you are. You will stop seeing the darkness inside you as a hell and more like a piece of you. You will only hate it on really bad days which don't happen often. You will learn to love it because it's your life and honestly you don't remember what it's like to not have that darkness. I know it's hard right now but I promise it gets more manageable. You will meet amazing people as you get older and realize you're not alone and certain people love you. Just take one day at a time. There are gonna be days you don't have energy to do anything. Get up and brush your teeth. Go brush your hair. Breathe. Your mind is fighting a battle. It's normal to not have energy. Find something you love doing and do it. Cry. then cry some more. I know it hurts like hell baby but you can do it. 

Age 14 (2010)

Dear K,

You are now 14. This is gonna be a big year in your life. A lot happens this year. Your depression is getting more manageable and you now have a boyfriend. He will come and stay a week with you in July. Yes he gets bus and rides all the way from Mississippi and comes to your house for a week. It's gonna hurt when he has to go home. You will lose your virginity the night before he goes home. It will stress you out because he doesn't have condoms. I'll save you a lot of worrying by saying you do not get pregnant. You're fine. Later you will meet a guy on Facebook named Sam. He is a football player and to your little outcast self that is gonna be amazing. The fact that the star football player talks to you will make you happy. But some fucked up shit happens. In Oct you will finally go to his house and hang out with him. He wants to have sex but doesn't have condoms. Since the whole situation with your boyfriend freaked you out, you'll say no. He will slowly convince you to do more and more. He will slowly ease into having sex with you. You are going to tell him no and he isn't going to listen to you. You will just quit saying it after a few minutes. You will just go limp until it's over. You both will pretend it never happened. But it did. You were raped at age 14. Dont lie to yourself. It was rape, it did happen and it wasnt your fault. After you leave that day, dont speak to him again. Block him K. You will want to go back to him. If you do that he will use your for sex. It will feel like he loves you while you ahve sex but he doesn't. He never has and he never wi;ll. I know you're lonely since your boyfriend lives so far away but sweetie it isn't worth it. You would have some funny memories and nice memories but it doesnt outweigh the memory of that night in Oct. You now have PTSD. You wont have any symptoms for a few years since you lie to yourself and dont deal with it. It's a long journey from here. It's gonna hurt like hell. Just breathe. This year is also the year you will met your best friend. His name is John. He isnt catfishing you. He is just a shy cutie. He hates taking picture of himself and posting them on facebook. He will become your superhero and save you and be your shoulder to cry on when your brain goes stupid. He really likes you K. Hold on to him. 

To My High School Best Friend

Dear Spazy,

Hi it’s me. We haven’t spoke in a while. We haven't really spoke since August of 2014… god I can't believe it’s been almost almost 5 years.We talked once since then and in our normal fashion we were fighting. Also has gone on in my life since we last actually talked. The last time we talked I was dating your cousin. He and I broke up in June of 2017. I am now with Johnny. You remember Johnny right? The guy I was friends with that went to prison. Yea I finally admitted I liked him as more than a friend. We have been together since July 22, 2017. When me and you talked and got in the fight, I was in a really bad head space. My depression was kicking me ass a lot. I got REALLY bad again. So i’m sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for being such a bitch when we were fighting. I'm sorry for making you feel not enough when we dated all those years ago. I was young and stupid. I didn’t think how it all made you feel. I hope you know I really did care about you. A lot.

I think back on our relationship and friendship a lot. I miss us talking, I have two new friends. Well 1 ½ really. I don't talk to one of them a lot since we stopped working together at the dog boarding facility I work at. Her name is Sammi. She’s pretty cool. She kinda reminds me of you at times. Maybe that's why I like her so much. My other friend is also Johnny’s friend. His name is Wayne. I really think you’d like Wayne. He is a lot like me. I’d love to see you hang out with all of us one day and see how much you could corrupt him. You were always really good at making people come out of their shells. We hang out every weekend. Me and him stay up all night listening to music and laughing and just talking. We talk about deep stuff a lot. Kinda like me and you used to back in 9th grade when we’d lay in my bed in the dark and just talk. It’s nice. We have gotten to know a lot about each other that way, I've told him about you a few times. Nothing bad. Just little stuff.

I miss talking to you. I miss us hanging out. I just miss you. I went in Books-A-Million today and started thinking about you and how much you loved books. I wonder if you still read a lot. I go to your facebook every now and then just to see what you’ve been up to. I wonder if you ever do that with me. I wonder sometimes if you ever wonder how me and Monk are and what were up to. I may be getting put on meds soon for all my mental shit. Monk is on meds now too. He wants to be a rapper one day. He graduated high school in Jan. Dad is same old dad. He changed a lot after Gammy died. Papa is gone now too. He died in 2015. Mama is very bipolar now. Like worse than you.

I wonder sometimes where we’d be if I had never introduced you to the guy you’re with. Some days I honestly regret it. Everything changed so much once he came into the picture. We stopped hanging out. If he had his way he probably would have even let you talk to me. I still don't like him. He’s sketchy Spaz. I never told you this but let's be honest you are never gonna see this. I'm just writing this into the void in a hope of making myself feel better. Anyway, he touched me quite a lot the few times i spent the night with y’all. Like he would come in there with me and start feeling up on me. I always told him to quit. He didn't care. No before you ask he didn't ever rape me. He would just kiss my neck and finger me. I hated it and it's the main reason i stopped coming over. I was already fucked mentally i couldn't handle that too. I wonder sometimes if he has ever done hurt you like that. You were never a very sexual person. I remember when we did talk you two were having sex every night. Which is so unlike you. I mean there are times you hate being touched at all. I don't know why but i don't see him handling that well. I hope he hasn't done the things he always worried I would. I really just wanna delete this whole thing. I don't know why i'm even wasting my time typing this out. You’re never gonna see it. What's even the point? To make myself feel better? I feel worse now than I did when I started this letter. My brain has been a server ass recently and I have no clue why. Well I guess since i'm crashing more mentally, i'll just stop now. I love you you little spazy bipolar chick. I hope you know that.

-K