To The Girl Dating My Ex

Dear (Insert name here),

Hi, I'm Josh's most recent ex. I'm sure you have heard about me. I'm sure your probably hate me and think I'm the lowest form of scum based off what he has told you about me. But im gonna be honest. I'm not the things he makes me out to be. I'm not a heartless bitch who just loved hurting him. I'm not a bitch who used him and then threw him away like trash. I loved him. I hated hurting him like I did but I wasn't happy anymore. He just wasn't the one for me anymore. See I have had depression since I was 10 and it's not as sever as it once was but I hate being unhappy because of that l. I have spent far too many days laying in bed feeling like I was a doormat for people to walk all over . I have spent far too many nights crying myself to sleep because no one gave a damn about me or how I feel. I've also been used by people I was dating. I've had my heart broken many time. It wasn't fair to Josh that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I loved him. He seemed like a really sweet guy and I cared deeply for him but no matter how much I didn't wanna see him hurt I wasn't gonna lie to him. I wasn't gonna make myself be miserable just to keep him happy. He deserved to be happy but so did I. I didn't wanna hurt him but there is no good or easy way to leave someone you have been with for 4 years.

 Now let's move on from that. Josh is a complicated person. He can't read good nor can he spell. I offered to help him but he has given up on ever being able to do it. There are some things you should know/ that I want to ask of you. 1.He has a rough past. His dad left when he was 4. Don't ask him about his dad. He will probably say he doesn't wanna talk about it. It's a very touchy thing for him. He will tell you about him when he is ready. There is a lot of stuff in his past he will tell you when he trusts you enough. I know all of it but it's not my place to tell you. 2. Josh has a serious temper. I pray you aren't ever on the receiving end of one of his yelling fits. I knew him for 4 years and it was still scary. 3.  Be nice to his mama. Evelyn is the sweetest lady you will ever meet. I still adore that woman. I miss her a lot. I know I hurt her when I left so what I am about to say may seem stupid or hypocritical but don't hurt her. You have never felt heartbreak until you see her cry because of you. I would know. 3. I haven't spoken or seen Josh in like 4 months so idk what dogs are there now but Im assuming there is: Lady, Shadow, Daphne, Sophie, Rocky, Anna, Benjamin, Gizmo(if he hasn't passed away) and probably some others. Be nice to them. Those dogs will love you. Me and Josh rescued Anna. Gizmo is old as hell. Do not try to pick him up he will bite you. Lady and Anna will wanna sleep in the bed with you. Especially Lady. She will let you get comfortable and then lay against your legs. Love her. Lay Lay as we always called her is a sweetheart. Anna is too. They all love attention. Shadow can be a dick. He also really loved attention and sitting in your lap. It will get annoying. Sophie is a sweetheart. I always called her Snagle tooth cuz of how her jaw is. Those dogs were my world for 4 years. I love and adore those dogs. I miss them and Josh's mom the most. 5. You will have to do every application for a job for him and his brother. The big words confuse him. 6. Chris isn't all there mentally. He is forever 7 years old mentally. Try to remember that if he ever starts to bug you. I hope you get along with Daniel better than I did.

Lets be serious here. I don't hate you. I'm not jealous of you. I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me amazing and I am very happy. I don't want Josh back. However I still do care about him. I'm not in love with him. But I do love him as a friend. I can't just cut that off. He was in my life for 4 years. I know y'all are engaged now. Him and I were once engaged. I hope it works out for y'all. I hope for your sake Josh learned and grew up a bit after I left. Honestly, if he is the same as when I was with him, he isn't going anywhere in life. He is a 28 year old child. He is never gonna drive. He will never get his permit. He will never have a good paying job. He is gonna fail. He has no drive to do anything. He is all his mom had so he isn't ever gonna leave her. He will never be able to save up money cuz everyone needs money all the time. I hope he has changed but he probably hasn't.


Take care of him and don't break his heart. He can't take another person leaving him. You're stuck with him. For the rest of your life now. I hope you're ok with that. Oh one more thing and this is gonna get personal but it needs to be said. Have sex with him regularly. If he goes too long without getting laid he will cheat on you through messages on Facebook to people. He did it to me twice. So I hope you can have sex regularly and don't get cheated on. I have PTSD so I couldn't. I also hope you don't have anything mentally wrong like depression or ptsd cuz he hates that because he doesn't understand it. Good luck explaining it to him. I tried for 4 years and never got anywhere.


Sincerely,

K.

My Life Dating a Felon

Hey guys what is up,

This post is gonna be about how my life has changed and stuff since I started dating a convicted felon. Yes, you read that right, I am dating a felon. The man I am dating has done 4 years in prison for aggravated assault and possession. When he was about 16ish, he stabbed a guy in self defense but he lives in Georgia. And in the good ole state of Georgia, they don't always go by evidence they just decide how they want to be guilty and not. So even though it was self defense, he did 4 years. I knew Johnny, my boyfriend, for a few years before he went to prison. We were best friends. He is one of the sweetest and most loving people I have ever met in my life. I have told him multiple times both before and after he went to prison that I just can't picture him doing what he did. He is just such a big sweetheart. Johnny and I stayed in contact the whole 4 years he was in prison. We would write letters back and forth. We both even still have the letters. I had always had a major crush on him plus he was my best friend so even prison didn't keep us from talking as much as possible. I tell people now that I have always loved Johnny. Since the first time I met him in person (we met through an online site for friends) I have loved him. But I always had a boyfriend and I always thought my feeling for him were just a crush. Where you find them attractive but the feelings are t string enough for a relationship. Dating him did cross my mind a few times but he was about to go to prison/ was in prison and I didn't know if our relationship would survive that.

Then on June 12th, he was released. I was one of the first people who knew he was out. He texted me 2 hours after being released. A couple weeks later I got to see him again for the first time in 4.5 years. I would be lying if I said I had ever been more excited in my life. I couldn't stop smiling the whole time. Then he had some issues with the person he was living with so he moved in with his dad. Him and his dad didn't have the best relationship before he went to prison. They fought a lot so we both were kinda worried about him moving over there. But so far everything has been fine. They have gotten in a few arguments but I was there so I calmed Johnny down so he wouldn't get kicked out. If he ends up with no place to go, he goes back to prison. Life is more complicated now. Since he has a felony charge now, he can't just go anywhere and get a job. Some places won't hire felons. Currently he works at Subway being the sexiest sandwich maker ever lol. When he was going through his whole housing issue, I was gonna let him move in with me. But I live in South Carolina and his PO said unless it was family he couldn't move outta state so now we are kinda hoping maybe they will be more lieanient once he is just on probation. If not then, I am moving to GA to live with him. Another thing some people never think about is apartments. Some places won't allow you to live there if you are a felon. Johnny has been out for a little over 5 months now. I couldn't be more proud of him. In those 5 months he has busted his ass to find a job, is trying to find a way to get him a car, he is figuring it all out. I am so proud of him. Yes, being in a relationship with someone who was once in prison has it downfalls but I knew that when we got together. I didn't think it would be a cake walk. I knew he was gonna have issues finding a good job. But he is well worth it to me. I have never been more happy in my life. I know that some people may look at me like a fool for dating someone who has done time for  a violent crime. I know that some of my family may look at him badly but they dont know him. People who find out he did time and then just based on that think he is a bad person are just too judgemental. I have known him for 7 years. He is literally the biggest sweetheart I have ever met. And I'm not just saying that because he is my boyfriend. I couldnt ask for a better man.

Well thats it. I could ramble on about my Batman for hours but ill just leave it here.

Mental Health Update June 2017 & 9-29-17

Hey guys, what is up.

This is gonna be a personal update. These past few months, since I made this blog, my mental health has been shit. I don’t really know why. Like it has just kinda tanked. I think it’s the house I live in. See we moved here in December and it has been hell ever since. *

Hey guys what is up,

So the first part of this was from the beginning of  June. My mental health was absolute shit then. I was constantly depressed and most days didn't even wanna get out of bed. I never wanted to leave the house to go do anything. Now I have had depression since I was 10 years old (I'm now 21) but when i was about 15ish it wasn't as sever as it was.  Then in Aug of 2014 my grandmother, who i loved dearly and who made me the person i am now, passed away. Obviously this took a toll on me. I was more depressed than i had been in years. But then after about 3 years since he had passed i had kinda gotten better again. Then we moved into her house as our new home. And it tanked again. I personally kinda think it was all just too much for a while. Now from June of 2013 - June of 2017 I was dating someone. He was there through it all, my grandmother dying, my finally dealing with being raped after repressing it for 2 years, etc. I would be lying if i said i didn't love that man. He was my rock through some of the hardest years of my life.

However, I had always kinda been in love with someone else. The other guy was someone i had met back in 2010 and we have been best friends ever since. He struggles with depression, anxiety and self harm like i did back then. He got me. He understood me. Talking to him about how I was truly feeling was always so easy to do because i knew he had been there. Then in 2013 he went to prison. He had stabbed someone in self defense and the cops couldn't prove it was self defense so they sent him to prison. On June 12th of this year he was released from prison. And we started talking again. And i was happier than i had been in months. I felt like my old self again. Until i went to see the guy i was dating and then i was depressed again. So i decided to take a leap of faith. I dumped the guy i had been dating for the past 4 years so i could date the guy who had got out of prison. Now here it is in almost Oct 2017 and i can honestly say I am happy. I have smiled and laughed more in these past few months than i have in a while. I am so in love with this man. I have loved him for 7 years now and time has only strengthened it. Sure dating someone who is on parole and who lives a state away and isn't allowed to leave the state sucks. It really sucks. But I still have the man who makes me happy. I knew dating him wasn't gonna be easy. Nothing in my life that i love ever is but he is so worth it.

Well there you go my mental health update. I may try to do these once a month or once ever two months. I don't know for sure yet.

Poem I Wrote *TW:Rape*

"Poor Sweet Girl/There Is A House"

 

There is a house in a small little town. It's just an ordinary house to most people. A house where a family lived. A house where people grew up. But to me it's different.

To me it's a house of horrors. A house that contains a nightmare that I can never wake up from. A house who's road name is the same name as the man who destroyed me inside it. A house that's good memories are oven taken by the bad. I loved that house just like I once loved the man who was in it. There were plenty of laughs had in that house. But no matter how much I try I can't forget the bad memory that is also there.

I can't forget the weight of him. The feeling of his cum hitting the inside of my thighs. The sound of his breathing beside my ear. The words he said. "I won't put it in" "Just for a minute baby" it's like a never ending movie that is stuck on repeat. Every time I look at that house, that window on the end of the house, all I think is: that poor sweet girl.

That poor girl who just wanted someone to love her. That poor girl who just wanted to say she was dating the star football player. That poor sweet girl. That poor girl will never walk out that door. That poor girl is still on that bed. That poor girl is forever stuck just inside that window. That poor girl who if you listen close enough you can still hear begging for it to end. That poor girl who told herself over and over that it was ok. It was her fault. Her pants were too tight. She should have just said no the moment things started. She should have tried harder to get him off of her. She should have said no I'm uncomfortable with this when he said " I won't put it in." She should have pushed him off when he said "Just for a minute baby." She should have screamed. She should have fought harder. She shouldn't have given in to it and just accepted it. She should have kicked, clawed, bit when he ignored her saying no. Maybe if she did nothing would have changed. Maybe it would have. She shouldn't have felt bad when he cried when she called him a rapist. But that poor sweet girl had such a big heart. She loved him and it hurt to know she made him cry. If only that poor sweet girl had known what would happen when she went over there that October afternoon.

Part of her hates him for what he did. Part of her still thinks he was sorry. That poor sweet innocent girl wonders if what he did haunts him. If he really was sorry. If she is the only one. That poor sweet girl just wants to forget. That girl is so tired of being scared all the time. Is tired of living in an endless loop of pain and fear. Is tired of feeling him, hearing him, smelling him. She wishes she could erase what he did to her. She wishes he understood how much damage he did. That hormones don't just take over. That no means fucking no. That stop means stop. That she never asked for this. That she just wanted to feel loved. She didn't wanna feel like she is damaged. She didn't wanna live her life scared of the dark. That she just wanted to be his. That poor sweet girl. That poor 14 year old girl. That girl will never grow up. That girl will forever be 14. That girl just wants to be okay again.

I just wanna be okay. I don't wanna have my skin crawl every time something touches the inside of my legs. I don't wanna have to be scared if my boyfriend is gonna listen when I say no. I don't wanna have to be scared to say no. I shouldn't have to live like this. Why couldn't he just listen? Why did he have to do this to me? Why doesn't he fucking care how fucked up I am now because of him? Why has he never said he was sorry for what he did? If only he could live a day in my shoes. The shoes I didn't wanna have to wear. If only he could feel the fear, see what I see. The shoes that someone may make his daughter wear one day. If she is forced to wear those shoes will he see how bad it is? Will he feel horrible about what he did because now he sees the effects of it.

I keep telling myself he is sorry. That he didn't mean it. That he loved me. That I am not worthless. But he isn't sorry and most days, I don't feel worth anything. I am damaged and cracked and the pieces just don't fix together anymore. They will never fit again. There will always be a hole missing from my soul because that piece is that poor sweet girl.

There is a house in a small little town. A house who's road name is the same name as the man who destroyed me inside it. Inside that house is a piece of myself that I will never get back.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Lets be honest, our family is messed up mentally. You have depression, you may be bipolar, and you see a therapist every week. Dad has a temper although he has gotten better. Your son has depression, has suicidal thoughts, and hears voices and he is only 16. I have depression, PTSD, had an eating disorder, have tried to kill my self multiple times, and struggled with self harm and I'm only 21.

Mama, do you know that I knew he was cutting. He talked to me about it. You know what I said? "Don't tell mama." See I remember how you reacted when you found out I was cutting. you got upset and then mad. Dad got mad too. You didn't help. You got mad when I told you I couldn't explain why I did it. It just made me feel better. Dad told me if I was gonna do to kill myself do it 3 times for him. I WAS 10 MAMA. I was 10 and I wanted to die. You weren't there. When I became depressed over my dog dying and tried to talk to you about it, you would just yell and say it was just a fucking dog get over it. Mama I needed you. I needed my mama to hold me and tell me it was gonna be ok. You weren't there so I went to my grandma who I became like my mom. I told her everything. But she is gone now. She is gone and the demons are back inside my head.

When I told you after 4 years that I was raped, you said you could have guess HE was the one who did it. I guess since I was already depressed no one noticed. Once I told you about it, I thought we could talk openly about it since you were raped when you were younger too. Once again, I was shut down. "It's been 4,5,6 years. You are just playing the victim card get over it." Mama, you of all people should know rape isn't something that you get over. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I repressed it for years, acted like it didn't happen. But mama that isn't healthy. Now I am dealing with it and I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. The flashbacks hurt mama. I need my mama. I need someone who get it to talk to. Brother told me that you said I was lucky it only happened once. Mama who says that. Rape isn't worse if it happened more than once. This isn't a race to see who is more fucked up. I was raped mama. My life forever changed that day. I can't just get over it. It's like there is a black hole inside me now that I just wanna cut out mama.

Mama did you know that my depression has gotten bad again? Did you know that every day for the past month, if I didn't have to work I wouldn't have gotten out of bed? Did you know that I fight everyday to get up and put on my clothes and go to work. I can't remember the last time we actually had a conversation. You no longer ask me how I am.


Mama I needed you. Mama you weren't there. Mama I am not okay but you know what I don't need you anymore. I have learned to deal with it myself. I have learned to fight alone. I have learned that I am gonna live with this forever. I am gonna be this broken shell of a person for the rest of my life. And you know what mama, that's ok. This broken shell has become my home. Happiness is just another name for when the demons aren't screaming as loud. Happiness is when it takes me 15 minutes to convince myself to get up instead of 3 hours Happiness is sitting in the dark in my room and being numb. This fucked up broken shell I am is me now. I will never be truly happy again. Yes I may get better but it will never be back to the way it was. I am broken mama, but it's ok. These cracks and holes make me feel worth something. They make me feel like a beautiful old antique doll that only certain people see the beauty in. I am broken mama but I am beautifully broken.

Intro

Hi,

This blog is just gonna about my thoughts and feelings on random stuff and just personal stuff. This kind of an anonymous blog because I don't want people that know me in real life to know it's me.
My name is K. I am currently 21 years old. I live in SC. I hate introductions. If you wanna know more always feel free to just ask. I am an open book. I have another blog just for my work stuff if you wanna follow/ check it out I'll link it here. I don't know how regularly I will post on here. All this stuff on here is just my opinion and it may not be yours. Well that's it. Short sweet and to the point.