Lets be honest, our family is messed up mentally. You have depression, you may be bipolar, and you see a therapist every week. Dad has a temper although he has gotten better. Your son has depression, has suicidal thoughts, and hears voices and he is only 16. I have depression, PTSD, had an eating disorder, have tried to kill my self multiple times, and struggled with self harm and I'm only 21.
Mama, do you know that I knew he was cutting. He talked to me about it. You know what I said? "Don't tell mama." See I remember how you reacted when you found out I was cutting. you got upset and then mad. Dad got mad too. You didn't help. You got mad when I told you I couldn't explain why I did it. It just made me feel better. Dad told me if I was gonna do to kill myself do it 3 times for him. I WAS 10 MAMA. I was 10 and I wanted to die. You weren't there. When I became depressed over my dog dying and tried to talk to you about it, you would just yell and say it was just a fucking dog get over it. Mama I needed you. I needed my mama to hold me and tell me it was gonna be ok. You weren't there so I went to my grandma who I became like my mom. I told her everything. But she is gone now. She is gone and the demons are back inside my head.
When I told you after 4 years that I was raped, you said you could have guess HE was the one who did it. I guess since I was already depressed no one noticed. Once I told you about it, I thought we could talk openly about it since you were raped when you were younger too. Once again, I was shut down. "It's been 4,5,6 years. You are just playing the victim card get over it." Mama, you of all people should know rape isn't something that you get over. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I repressed it for years, acted like it didn't happen. But mama that isn't healthy. Now I am dealing with it and I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. The flashbacks hurt mama. I need my mama. I need someone who get it to talk to. Brother told me that you said I was lucky it only happened once. Mama who says that. Rape isn't worse if it happened more than once. This isn't a race to see who is more fucked up. I was raped mama. My life forever changed that day. I can't just get over it. It's like there is a black hole inside me now that I just wanna cut out mama.
Mama did you know that my depression has gotten bad again? Did you know that every day for the past month, if I didn't have to work I wouldn't have gotten out of bed? Did you know that I fight everyday to get up and put on my clothes and go to work. I can't remember the last time we actually had a conversation. You no longer ask me how I am.
Mama I needed you. Mama you weren't there. Mama I am not okay but you know what I don't need you anymore. I have learned to deal with it myself. I have learned to fight alone. I have learned that I am gonna live with this forever. I am gonna be this broken shell of a person for the rest of my life. And you know what mama, that's ok. This broken shell has become my home. Happiness is just another name for when the demons aren't screaming as loud. Happiness is when it takes me 15 minutes to convince myself to get up instead of 3 hours Happiness is sitting in the dark in my room and being numb. This fucked up broken shell I am is me now. I will never be truly happy again. Yes I may get better but it will never be back to the way it was. I am broken mama, but it's ok. These cracks and holes make me feel worth something. They make me feel like a beautiful old antique doll that only certain people see the beauty in. I am broken mama but I am beautifully broken.
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